A Prayer, A Seeking

Brian Andreas StoryPeople http://www.storypeople.com/?s=light

Brian Andreas
StoryPeople
http://www.storypeople.com/?s=light

“There is a perfectly still moment right before dawn, when the sun gathers itself & then steps into the dark world & everything is so filled with light that any doubts from that long night are barely a memory.

It is the way of all things that the night ends & the light returns.

The light always returns.”

This today. This tonight. This always. Amen.

(Please hold on. Even when it feels like too much.)

Deep Grace or What I Know Today

What I know is that in a moment of sadness today when I asked for genuine words of love and assurance, they were given without hesitation, and my heart filled.

What I know is that when I was surrounded by Blues, two acts of spontaneous love and generosity and “uplift” from the outside pierced the Blues and said, “Excuse me, but we’re going to take her back with us now,” and helped me to a lighter place.

What I know is that my son is a very big part of the reason I am here on this planet.

What I know is that all love eventually becomes help (Paul Tillich via Elizabeth Gilbert):

Love = Grace = Help.

What I know is that we are part of a bigger something. Connected. Grace-filled. And to quote the extraordinary playwright and human being Lauren Gunderson:

“You may not know how you might matter to people right now, and you cannot know how you will matter in the future. But you are already connected – and you already matter.” (Margaret from Silent Sky)

Thank you for being, for loving, for helping. We are all in this together. It all matters.

Hope and Fear

It’s a fine line between hope and fear. And I also think one can be tinged with the other: they are not as black and white as they might seem.

I’m walking this line a bit right now, and alternately stepping off the line to one side or the other and feeling hope or fear more strongly.

It’s exciting but also scary. Hope certainly feels better. But sometimes I know we need to listen to fear. And that sometimes there cannot be forward movement in our lives without fear.

a way

I think I need to remember to be an argonaut.* I think I need to remember to breathe and trust my instincts and that it will all be ok. And that there’s the potential for great joy and becoming if I have the courage to move forward in hope and possibility.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

breathe

*https://dearworldhereismyheart.wordpress.com/2015/08/07/argonaut/

Peace Transferred

Today when we were flying back from vacation, my son leaned over to rest his head in my lap. I was reminded what a gift that is.

Many times in my life I have noticed what it does to me physically as well as emotionally when I am holding my son or a tiny baby or a pet in my lap or against my chest. A couple of things happen: when a living creature is resting on us, they are immediately entrusting themselves to our care. That sounds clinical. What I mean/feel is that they are allowing themselves to be so vulnerable, and they open their hearts to us and show us, “Here I am. Could we just be together for a few minutes? Could you hold me and protect me and look after me while we breathe together?” And not only do I feel humbled and thankful and so very connected in those moments, but I also feel empowered and called to protect and love, and suddenly my priorities are completely in order, and everything else must come second to caring for the life in my arms.

Something else that always amazes me and goes straight to my heart is how, when the person or creature relaxes into us once they feel safe, there is a peace that emanates from their body that is effortlessly transferred to us. My whole being is transformed.

I read a question in a survey recently that was trying to project what kind of future you’d have. It asked, “Are you high tech or high touch?” This reminded me of the first time I heard something like this, when Teresa Eyring, the Executive Director of Theatre Communications Group, noted that as the world grows more high tech, we crave human touch. We crave connection. We crave being present in the moment with another person. It’s definitely part of what moves me so deeply about theater and about being an actor: that shared moment in time where we are all connected and breathing the same air and going through something together. And it’s what moves me more and more each day in terms of compassion and connection and why I believe we are on the planet.

It’s kind of like the moon. I love the moon. I have several friends across the country who love the moon like I do, and invariably, on a night when the moon really moves one of us, I will text one of them with “MOON!!”, or one of them will text me. And in that moment, no matter where we are or how long it’s been since we have seen each other, we know we’re looking at the same moon and are connected and are sharing in that moment in time.

I believe there is a peace that comes when we are connected, even if it’s in an extremely difficult moment. And maybe it’s impossible to tell who initiates that peace, or maybe it is born out of the moment itself.

What I do know is that more and more I find myself saying, “We’re all in this together.” And I am really thankful for that.

Showing Up for Yourself.

One of my favorite yoga teachers once asked us, at the beginning of the practice, “How will you show up for yourself today?”

I think that’s a really important question we often forget to ask ourselves. We get so caught up in the whirlwind of the “shoulds” and the “must do’s” that we forget to to show up for ourselves, be present to ourselves, to support ourselves in the midst of the whirlwind.

Today my body said “STOP,” and I listened. I’m under the weather, sinus infection, nothing serious, but my body is really weary, and I can tell that is making my heart and soul extra weary. The way I needed to show up for myself today was to STOP and just be.

I love this in terms of a way of phrasing what it is to be open-hearted, but I think it can put unnecessary, unfair pressure on us if we read it as “everything is ok” or “find joy in every moment.”

Sometimes showing up in the moment is showing up for ourselves like we were meant to be there. It’s ok to show up for ourselves like that’s the thing that needs to happen right now.  Because sometimes it is the thing that needs to happen right now.

Please take care of yourself. You are a gift to this world. We need you here.

Jumbled Heart

Sometimes my heart is a jumble of all sorts of feelings, and I just don’t know why they’re all there. I know they are part of me. I know they may have something to say that I need to hear. But the jumbled sensation is not always a lot of fun.

Tonight I find myself jumbled inside, lots of love and gratitude floating around mixed with some melancholy* and questions. Tonight I am reminded of all the pieces of myself living in this jumbled heart of mine. I’m reminded of the story and journey of the open-hearted-marvel Elizabeth Gilbert as she sat in her deepest, darkest time, sat with herself, and invited all the parts of herself into her heart, blessing them, loving them, assuring them they could rest there in her heart and be at peace. (from Eat, Pray, Love)

So while I am deeply grateful that I am not in a place of great distress but rather just in the midst of a jumbled heart, tonight I try to bless the melancholy and the questions. “It’s okay. I love you. You can rest here. We’ll get through this together,” a variation on EG’s offering to herself.

I also want to recognize the love and gratitude of my jumbled heart, so tonight I am grateful for loved ones who wrap their arms around me with their words and love, grateful for connections with new friends who say “welcome,” grateful for dear friends who share that I am with them in their hearts even when I can’t be in person, grateful for my precious son, his open heart, and his indomitable spirit.

I know the jumble is part of Life. It’s part of having an open heart. I’m glad for that. I just want to become more connected to the peace and the blessings of all parts of the jumble as the confusion swirls around.

Peace

I think this is what my friend Brandon meant when he wished for all “a courageous sense of abiding peace.”

May we find peace in the jumble. May we find peace with the jumble.

* https://dearworldhereismyheart.wordpress.com/2015/07/25/melancholy-and-the-open-heart/

For the Three

Within the last 24 hours there have been memorial services / celebrations of life for 3 people to whom I was tangentially connected, though not closely. I am humbled by that ratio and extra mindful of the great gift of life.

I did not go to but one service, though my heart and thoughts have been with all. But tonight as I watched my friend in deep grief for the loss of his love, my heart ached so for him. At the same time, the celebration for his partner was truly joyful: it was an actual party, according to his wishes!

So I just wanted to pause and honor those gone and those who remain behind and also express gratitude for my life. 

  

Turnsole/soul

I came across a lovely turnsole picture this morning and wanted to include it in this post from earlier this summer. Cheerful sunflowers do my heart good. 🙂

dearworldhereismyheart

I came across a word today that’s new to me: turnsole.

http://dictionary.reference.com/slideshows/sunny-words#turnsole

A turnsole is a type of plant that turns with the movement of the sun, a sunflower being the most famous example. From Middle Frenchtournesol, the word literally means “turns toward the sun,” and was modeled after the synonymous Greek term heliotrope. As in French, when the word came into English in the 1300s it initially referred to the purple dye that came from a turnsole plant. Soon after, turnsole broadened in meaning to refer to all types of plant that turn with the sun.

I don’t know a lot about gardening or plants. I know very little, actually. I probably knew at some point in my life that that’s what a sunflower is, and I am aware of how plants lean and grow toward the light, but somehow this notion of turning with the movement…

View original post 414 more words

Argonaut

Okay, I’m captivated by this:

I saw it 2 days ago and can’t stop thinking about it. Mostly the word and the definition, but also the whole image Dictionary.com created, the whole presentation of this marvelous word.

I’ve long known of Jason and the Argonauts and the Golden Fleece and Medea, but I don’t think I’ve ever really considered what a non-Jason-related argonaut is.

I think maybe I want to be an argonaut.

I don’t want to do anything physically dangerous, I don’t mean that. But I read this as a person in quest of vulnerability, knowing that there may be some hurt that comes from that vulnerability, from opening your heart, from trying something new, from going to an unknown place, from being an adventurer in new territories of your life: and knowing that it is and will be so rewarding.

Yes, I want to be an argonaut.

Let’s see. Let’s go find it. Let’s go seeking. Let’s live fully.

Let’s be argonauts together.

Maria

This morning I was in the grocery store before I headed to work and was staring somewhat absently at the dried fruit section. An older but very lively woman came up next to me and said, “It’s hard to decide isn’t it?” What happened next was one of the most other-worldly, powerful experiences I’ve ever had.

This sprightly, fiery, feisty, vivacious, loving, gentle (yes, at the same time as being fiery and feisty), Grace-filled Open Heart of a human being engaged me in a moment in time unlike any I have ever been part of. I came to learn that her name was Maria, that she was in her mid-70’s, that she didn’t marry (“by choice!” she insisted, repeating it several times) until she was 42, that she had married a man in his 70’s, that he knew how responsible and independent she was, that she had worked 3 jobs at the same time and was working them when she met him, that he had told her she would never have to work again if she didn’t want to, that he lived into his 90’s (and she clearly loved and cherished her time with him), that she had re-married, that her second wedding ring (which she showed me) had 5 diamonds in it because her mother had been born on the 5th, that she didn’t care what she looked like (she was nicely but humbly dressed), that she really loved her watch on which you could see the inner workings of the gears from both the front and the back (it was a simple fashion watch, clearly not high value, but made her so happy), that she believed in God, that she didn’t need a bodyguard (anyone to take care of her): she had herself, and she had God.

But that’s not really what she was there to share with me.

She was there to share with me that everything I need I have within me.

As she told me her story, she talked of how she had always stood on her own, how she believed that everything she needed she had within her – and so did I – and to trust myself and that I am so young and have so much time. Her Grace and sweetness and strength were palpable. While I had a few cynical questions float through my mind about whether or not she might be crazy, I realized it didn’t matter. Because even if she was, she was giving of herself to me, she was reaching out, connecting with me so genuinely, from such an incredible place of wanting to help and be kind and share of herself and be strong for me – and I didn’t even know that I needed someone to be strong for me and reassure me, but she literally just appeared, and before I knew it I was in tears, and she hugged me, and blessed me and told me she loved me (and not at all in a creepy way). She talked about how we are so busy we don’t find time for kindness. She talked about how we need to find time for it and stop and just make it happen – like I realized she was doing for me, with me, right there next to the dried fruit.

And she kept telling me her story and assuring me that I could do anything I wanted. I couldn’t even find words. The tears just came, and she kept hugging me and reassuring me of these things I didn’t even know I needed to hear. And I briefly had a moment of worrying that I needed to get to work, and I quickly banished that thought as I knew I was supposed to be right there, right then. With Maria. It was Quick Wonder for sure, as I was very aware that this was a moment of extraordinary wonder that was living and breathing through me and with me.

I have tears again as I write this, as I remember this Open Heart personified. Maria then showed me her cart and the great vegetable deals she’d found and took me to the bag of tomatoes on sale, and I put some in my cart, too. Then we hugged again and she blessed me again, and we finished our shopping separately.

We met up again after we each checked out, and we walked out together and hugged again, and I just kept thanking her. And we decided that if it was meant to be we would meet again sometime.

I just stood there, next to the dried fruit, listening, feeling, weeping, grateful, in awe, moved beyond measure by this open-hearted woman who believed we shouldn’t carry hate around, we should say what’s on our hearts and minds and move on, that the world is big enough for everybody. I just stood there letting her bless me with her love and strength, not having anything to give her except my presence and gratitude and honesty as I didn’t try to hide my tears. I just stood there as she truly did bless me and heal me in some way and gave me new life. And when she told me she loved me, I told her I loved her, too. This was not a time for holding back. This was a time to show up and be open to whatever was happening.

Maria is her name. Maria changed me. Maria showed me what genuine compassion and connection are, what a truly open heart is, what it is to experience Quick Wonder – and what it is to be Quick Wonder. Maria is Quick Wonder. She is a loving whirlwind of Quick Wonder.

And she let me whirl with her for a few minutes right there in the grocery store, next to the dried fruit.